Hopeful

I've worried for a long time about my relationship with Bode. He and i have struggled. I feel like we've gotten into this unhealthy pattern which is hard to put into words. To simplify, I'll just say that i am incredibly impatient with him and assume the worst. His sensory issues were partly to blame in the past, but now we both have bad habits. He has had a tendency to meltdown at the slightest perception of offense and i go right there with him. So when he makes a statement, it sounds accusatory. He asks a question, it sounds sassy. And i find myself exhausted from the moment he wakes up on the wrong side of his bed clear through till bedtime. I forget to listen before i assume he's being ornery, because sometimes he really is asking a sincere question. I don't give him a lot of chances. He is, underneath it all, this delightful, loving, wicked smart, delicious child. But i lose sight of that and tend to focus on his negativity.

I was talking to Donna, our "Brain Lady" (the child development specialist who created our home occupational therapy programs when he was 4) about my concerns with him last spring. And she said something that startled me. "It sounds like he has a poor bonding reflex." Yep. Sounds just as bad as what she meant. Like a startle reflex or other reflexes, there's a bonding reflex and ours is crappy.

I immediately went to my momma guilt closet and put it on. (None of these were Donna's suggestions nor did she intend to give me a guilt trip. It is all of my own making). If only he'd had a smoother birth and wasn't instantly traumatized. If only he hadn't needed resuscitation and i could have held him at delivery. If we'd only been able to get him to nurse, we would have bonded better. If only i'd known to hold him skin-to-skin when he was new. If i'd realized that i should have been snuggling him closer when giving him his bottles, we would have bonded better. If only i were more patient, understanding, laid-back instead of reacting to his "behavior" as he got older...And on and on. I cannot change any of those things. I have to change things in the present.

Sadly, we're still in a more negative-with-each-other than positive mode. And i'm very much aware of it and really want it to change for the better. I need to change my negative behavior and stop expecting his to magically disappear.

One thing I'm excited about is this...As i have started running again, i feel better. I always felt better when i was running. Natural serotonin, right? My body works better. I have fewer chronic aches and pains. But most importantly, I'm mentally "better."

Bode is a natural athlete. He picks up skills for sports very quickly. He loves golf and soccer and basketball. We've tried to instill in our kids the importance of physical activity. The boys know I am running and have a goal to run a 5K in early July and a 10K towards the end of July. When Bode heard this, he said he wanted to run a race, too. Happily, there is a kids' run in our neighborhood as part of the 5K race i'm doing. So, we signed the boys up. What i'm most excited about is that while i prefer to do my runs "solo," Doug has been out of town more often than usual lately so i've had to get creative. So everyone joins me. Soren in the jogger. And Bode and Keegen on their bikes. When Doug is home, Bode will join me on the last portion of my runs. And it's amazingly positive that we're all out there "training" together. We have a somewhat common goal. We are bettering ourselves together. And i'm hoping that this time spent together in a more positive way spills over into the mundane parts of our routine days at home.