How Do I Stop This Thing?

My brother sent me a thoughtful email last night. Just saying he hopes i can settle into life in Texas soon. Find my groove here. That sort of thing.

This move has knocked the wind out of me. Some days i feel like i can barely get my breath. That feeling, it's a gasping, a reaching. It's a sensation i'm very much aware of. To just say it, to just get it off my chest, i hate it here. It's ugly. It's crowded. There is no nature to attach myself--no beach, no forest, no mountains (which i knew before i moved but now here i am). The schools are great at teaching to a test and snuffing childhood creativity and personality. I don't find people particularly friendly (so many people have basically said, "Texas has nothing to offer except the people are SO NICE." I think these people need to get out of Texas and see that people? Generally nice pretty much everywhere). I also realize i'm viewing things through my depressed and negative glasses.

Doug and i thought a lot about this move. We prayed a lot about this move. I blogged about it. I went with it. I try to hold onto that fact--that this was the right move. It was really the only thing that made sense. So we did it. Everything came together almost seamlessly, giving me more reason to believe it was the right thing. Our house sold in 5 weeks in one of the most depressed markets! We flew out here Memorial Day weekend, just the two of us, to look for a rental. Did i blog about that? I don't remember. It was a horrible experience. Ending in a lot of tears from both of us. I sat at a food court in a mall and did what i could to not make a scene, but sobbed about the move. Sobbed with a feeling that i was returning to a lifestyle that we very consciously chose to leave when we left the DC area for Colorado. What the hell were we doing? But what else was there to do? Doug desperately needed a job change. This was a great job. Should we have spent more time analyzing those feelings we had when we were crying over our meal (and the entire drive back to our Ft Worth hotel)? I don't know. We chalked it up to sorrow at leaving a home we loved and finally facing the reality of the move.

Part of the problem may be that we are not in our permanent Texas home (and our temporary Texas home has been a borderline nightmare--bugs and critters and mold and filth). We spend a ton of time neighborhood shopping and house-hunting, considering our next move. I am not invested here. I do not want to "put myself out there." I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

But the timing of my brother's email made me smile. Doug and i were in the middle of a long, didn't really get anywhere conversation about what we want out of this life. My email response to my brother:  Your timing with this email is pretty great. Doug and i have spent the evening discussing whether or not we want off this ride. The ride of corporate life, 12+ hour days, very little family time; etc. Talking about this one life we have (at least in the here and now) and is this really how we want to spend it? Once off said ride, to do what and to go where, though? If we had some passion or a business we wanted to start or some venture we've been waiting on, now would be the time to jump. In the end, practicality and security will win but I've spent the evening looking into southwestern VA. Montana sounds nice, too. I've also consumed an entire block of Boursin cheese and a box of Triscuits. 


We've had this conversation before. When we started the job search in earnest last year, we considered other options. We considered leaving the company Doug has worked his entire career. Where he has an actual pension (those don't exist anymore!) in addition to his 401K and other benefits. We feel a bit married to this company. We see a lot of future financial security through them. But we very seriously considered a job in Durango Colorado working for the city. Mellower lifestyle. Beautiful scenery. Serious pay cut. Living in a resort town didn't appeal as much as you might think. In the end, we decided not to pursue it when Doug got the call back from them. We went the comfortable security we know. I realize there's something to be said about financial and job security. But sometimes? I want something vastly different. I want Doug to have the time to coach the kids' sports teams. I want to have dinner as a family again most evenings. I want a place to explore nature within walking distance. I want a calmer, quieter existence. In a location you won't find working for the defense industry.

Charlottesville Virginia sounds just about right. College town. Good jobs. National forests. Doug can work helping UVA  improve their financial situation. I can teach here and there at a maternal health clinic. Our kids can grow up exploring the mountains, forests, rivers and history of southwestern Virginia. Our family can enjoy the sports and arts of a college town. See? I've got it all figured out.